1. 10:25 9th Mar 2011

    Notes: 58

    All anyone ever has for me is sorry ?

    I couldn’t write this on International Women’s Day and that’s probably part of why this happens to me.

    Because it felt wrong. Because it feels wrong and mean and petty to me to bring something up like this on a day to celebrate women.

    Like I shouldn’t be furious and upset and fucking devastated that at least peopel I thought were with me would at least notice I got disappeared.

    Like hey maybe on International Women’s Day , me an international woman would matter, but hey this is a week where I’m starting to let go of illusions , and maybe this illusion of me being anything than a postcard to your revolution is one of the things I need to let go of.

    Because certainly it’s not like anyone else is changing or growing no matter how much they claim to be.

    And people get applause and joy and shows for their wisdom and growth.

    And I , I get the fucking grief and the debt and the wasted potential and the sorrow. I get to say really smart thing , and make really important observations and two hour communtes

    but if you say what I said over cocktails in a way that makes people feel good you are leader and you get to feel bad about the way you came .


    and yes I am talking about this

    It must be nice to be able to write your woes and cares and concerns for being able to have your book ready by winter .

    To write an entire section , well lets be honest MOST OF THE GODDAMN article about a moment you ” witnessed”

    to be assured that no one thinks your the failure of feminism when you penn your misgivings.

    wonder what it’s like to make that stand when all you have is your

    crying friend in your arms

    your tattered dreams of studying

    your belief in fact that we are and forever will be enough?

    The Seal Press debacle wasn’t WOC engaging in negative discourse magically happening ( though the cut to the white women who wrote about instead of me was slick )

    Ms. Nigga

    I got to be that NIGGA BITCH for years.

    Because I said fuck em.

    To look at from a lens of wanting to believe in your friends good intentions, I got to look at it from being called a date rapist by no less than one of the premiere English language FEMINIST magazines


    " look to the comments"

    You mean the one where a commenter spends here entire commentary going fuck me?

    I looked to the comments , on 15 minutes at 9-5 job , wondering what the fuck I had done SO BAD vomitting into a toilet.

    You didn’t read the premiere African American site write you out for how hard things like this are ON WHITE WOMEN ( I WISH I WAS KIDDING)

    And picking my shit back up and smiling.

    Because that’s what you damn well do.

    or that around all this new found LEARNING and analysis of the role of what happened here

    NO one talks about what happened here

    About how when I asked those questions pointed out these gulfs , I got slapped around , because that is not at all pert of what happens to women who ask questions and the isolation of feminism

    It’s not just a silent isolation but often a pragmatic one a loud dusty Bloody rageful silencing for the ” greater good”

    or that to this day I am still called a beggar

    because when I turn down jobs and book deals and ” offers of partnership” and possibilities of panels I’m just playing the game badly

    and when I have to chase people for 25 or 50 dollars because this week this is the difference between being able to give my mother the money for this weeks Doctor’s appointment of having the lump in her breast go unchecked for possibly another month.

    or begging may be the only way i got to see my father THIS FUCKING decade. Because of the same state violence everyone likes TALKING about

    and no one gets BACK to you or even fucking ANSWERS .

    but they respect your work


    The cut the deep bit , the part that drips tears onto this keyboard that , makes my heart hurt.

    is that it still is the ” Seal Press” debacle.

    It’s not the Blackamazon/Adele Nieves/BFP/Sylvia attack

    It’s not the racist cartoon problem.

    It’s the Seal Press debacle because no matter what in the end everyone is still more concerned with how the white press house felt about it.

    It’s the Amanda Marcotte controversy because dying jungle natives are incidental?

    It’s not coincidental that the issues around white women are given deep thought , the concerns of ” cool” women of color are revolutionary and thought provoking ( and let’s not even talk about how much of that is connected to their proximity to white media)

    but “those” women , those who scrape it together, who make words and sounds and little pieces of earth for ourselves

    are not enough.

    Aren’t diversified enough could ” use some critique”

    Need to tell you what they want?

    and now after all of that you still can’t say my GODDAMN NAME

    but wait for it wait for it

    I am sure you’re sorry

    1. lubiddu answered: Fuckin’ A you are not dead. Damn, I wish I could say something healing and meaningful. please remember….you will bury them all. breathe.
    2. note-a-bear reblogged this from blackamazon